A Domestic Violence Advocate Discusses common and abnormal red flags.

Red flag is term used often in our society today.  Media today warn us all about red flags, but are you really able to spot Red Flags in your relationships?  As a domestic violence advocate and Life Coach, I’ve had lots of experiences with common and uncommon Red Flags.  We’ve all heard someone talking about their relationships problems in a casual way which makes you think; “ I would never allow my partner to do that”.  But everyone can ignore, overlook and frankly not see the same Red Flags from your own partner.  I’m never here to judge another person’s relationship or tell another person what they should do with their lives.  I’m here to discuss potentially dangerous behaviors and how they can change you and your behavior over time.

Let’s get a clear definition

First, let’s define which relationships we are focusing on.  I like to expand red flags to reflect intimate relationships as well as friendships and family relationships.  So when I speak about red flags, I’m speaking of any relationship you may have or potentially enter into.  People who exhibit multiple red flags tend to drain you emotionally and ask more from you than they are willing to give you.  Your connection and relationship turn into a very toxic experience for you.  Eventually you start to react with behaviors that are just as toxic and unhealthy as they were giving you originally.  These relationship may also turn abusive, where your family member, partner or friend is controlling your behaviors, actions, finances or living situation.   

That’s a “no” for me

Let’s focus on red flags that should be a hard “no” to any sort of relationship.  Seeing or experiencing these red flags should be when you leave a situation immediately.  They show someones true intentions or potentially abusive behavior.  If your partner has been physically violent with someone in their past, family or an ex partner; This is the biggest red flag that you will ever see.  This partner will eventually become physically violent with you as well.  You will not be able to change them or be the “calm” for their chaos.  Leave the relationship as soon as you can safely leave.

Gaslighting is when a person will lie about a situation even when you know the truth or witnessed the situation directly.  They will continue to warp and change the story until you believe exactly what they are saying.  Gaslighting is not when a person has a different version on the same events, but they change the events completely to make themselves look better than they are.  As a domestic violence advocate, I’ve seen abusers convince the survivor of outrageous scenarios; including FBI surveillance and the switching roles of the abuser and survivor.  A true gaslighter will convince you that you are the abusive partner.   Entire situations and relationships are warped to whichever situation an abuser may want.  If your significant other or potential significant other continues to deny a situation when you have screenshots and evidence, I’d recommend to leave the relationship.  Their gaslighting will start as white lies but will escalate quickly, so stay alert.

• Let’s list out all the top dangerous red flags

• Substance abuse

• Doesn’t trust you around others

• Needs constant reassurance

• Gets angry quickly

• Is extremely jealous

• Controls your financing and spending

• Controls who you speak to or how you dress

• Says their EX is “crazy”

• Says they love you very early on in the relationship (within days)

• Extremely needy or codependent

• Lovebombing, including presents, gestures and words

• They’re selfish toward their own needs or wants

• Your accomplishments are unimportant to them

If you are experiencing multiple dangerous red flags from your relationship, make sure you reach out to a domestic violence advocate to learn more, safety plan for dangerous situations or leave your partner safely.  If your current partner, family member or friend is gaslighting you or being violent toward you.  This person does not need to be in your life, nor do you need this type of person in your life.  Make sure that you protect yourself, your well-being and live the life that you deserve.  Don’t forget that you’re not alone in your situation.  There are people that are willing, able and wanting to help you to grow and change into the person that you are meant to be.  You can reach out to any domestic violence shelter, organization or hotline 24/7.  There is always someone that will answer that line and want to help you change your life for the better.  The USA National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.

Some Other Common Red Flags

Other red flags are less severe but are signs or signals that this potential partner may not be a great choice for you.  A big red flag for me is when a person is rude to the wait staff at a restaurant or doesn’t tip well.  I feel it’s disrespectful and the person will eventually be disrespectful to me.  I will always check how much a person has tipped at the bar or restaurant so I can make sure this person is right for me.  Another personal red-flag of mine is when the person lacks self care, such as not getting haircuts often or never trims their beard.   Thats a “no” for me.  Perhaps the person does not make a lot of time for us or me, such as a text or call often (unless work doesn’t permit texting).  Open communication is important to me.  I like to be with a partner that communicates with me often, tells me about their day, family or friends and will listen to me about my day.

Some Unusual Red Flags

Other personal red flags of mine sound quite odd.  When a potential partner tells me stories that are hard to believe, that’s a red flag for me.  Once a potential partner told me that he worked as a black ops soldier, and would frequently be unavailable to speak to me because he went on different “missions” around the world.  He would invent these outrageous stories about how he rushed into international drug lord mansions to “save the world”.  These were often the reason that he would not be able to call or text me for days at a time.  That’s a red flag for me.  Another potential partners have told me overtly sexual tales of conquest, maybe to impress me or prove some sort of point, I’m not sure.  I’m not talking about when you speak sexual with a person that you want to have sex with or will have sex with soon.  These people will interrupt a conversation about everyday life to show off their sexual prowess.  They will try to entertain me with tales about why so many women “worship them” or “obsess” about them.  I’ve even had a person tell me that they have to frequently stop during sex with women to make sure that women would not fall in love with them, just because he is so ‘good’ in bed.  That’s a red flag for me.

My Advice

Make a list of all of your personal red flags, so you will be aware of what you’re looking for or what you’re not looking for.  Make sure to add items that will give your life calm.  Surround yourself with people that encourage you and help you become a better version of yourself.  Likewise, be a friend that helps your friends grow and thrive in life.  Being able to spot red flags can be difficult for many people, especially if you tend to be a trusting person or you have a great infatuation for a particular person.  Sometimes it takes a good friend to spot these red flags and to warn you about a toxic person.  Next time you speak to a new friend or love interest, keep a lot out for potential red flags.  Save yourself some time and frustrations by leaving a toxic person out of your life.